I have learned some amazing things over this journey. Some have been mind blowing. Some are so simple, I feel completely stupid for not seeing them before. This is one of those.
In the great blogosphere of the Internet, the word naked tends to mean honest, holding nothing back. It means to express yourself with complete honesty and expose the good, bad and ugly. The thing we want to figure out, is how to get your wife naked.
I have found several things that will keep her from being naked.
Treating her like she isn’t the most important person in your world.
Women are generally responsive. They tend to respond to what we give them. If we give good stuff, they respond by giving good stuff back. If we are controlling, immature, self centered, abusive jackasses they tend to treat us like that.
They also tend to pack their stuff and find somewhere else to live if we do it long enough.
Whenever I hear a guy complaining about his wife, I can’t help but assume she is just responding to him. He has created his world by how he has treated his wife.
Just like Bigfoot or aliens, they may be out there… marriages that defy reason. The husband is considerate, generous, loving, patient, humble and outgoing. The wife hates being treated so well and is just mean to him. Please tell me if you live in this marriage. I will need proof.
The guy who treats his wife like just another part of his world, not his top priority, will have problems getting her to be naked.
If she has to wait for his show to end, or the beer to run out, or his friends to leave, or the next project to be completed before he gives her attention, he will have problems.
She needs to be at the top of his list. She needs to know he is willing to make everyone else wait while he takes care of her. She isn’t going to throw herself out there, center stage and naked, while the only guy in the audience is constantly distracted.
I want to interject something here.
Several years ago, I would have had a hard time accepting this. I might have had some sarcastic remarks about whatever pansy was writing this. If you happen to be one of those know-it-all husbands who looks down on the guys who value their wives, I understand. But, consider this. My wife loves me.
We survived the impossible. We have a stronger home than we ever had. I have my best friend back and we have a great time together. We don’t have to complain to our friends about each other.
Being confrontational and defensive at home.
You are on the same team. Every conflict shouldn’t be a fight to the death. Stop defending yourself. Let her say what she needs to say. If you go into defensive mode every time she has a comment or complain, she will give up on you eventually. She will assume you are just going to argue. You will not get her naked.
I was told once, the answer is in the anger. Sometimes, the only time you will hear what she really wants to say is when she is mad. That may be the only time she breaks down and tells you what she really wants. If you are defending yourself and arguing, you will miss it. Shut up. Find out what she is mad about. Then do something about it.
The best way to diffuse an angry wife is to let her get it out and just listen. If you are thinking about ways to defend and justify yourself, you can’t be listening to her. Stop it. Not leading to nakedness.
Creating negative expectations from her.
If you have been neglectful or oblivious, she expects you to continue that way. She has negative expectations. Change them. Figure out what brightens her day. Create positive expectations.
What does she like? You don’t have to go buy her a new car or yacht, flowers are nice. Figure her out. Prove that you are listening and making an effort. Do it consistently. Pick a day and do something every week at the same time. Do several things. Several different things. Make a date night. Leave her a gift. Bring her flowers. Do it the same every week.
Eventually, she will begin to expect those things. She will have something positive to look forward to. You will create positive expectations. She will begin to anticipate good things from you. Leading to nakedness. She will be much more open to being herself with you again.
Most people can’t even imagine a happy marriage. They can imagine a functional one, but not a happy one. Most marriages that make it, do it by just being functional. They find a groove they can live with and just do it. They just accept that this is their life and stay together. They figure that being alone is probably worse that being together and just tolerate it. Very few find true intimacy and absolutely love being together. But, It is possible.
It’s possible to be naked all the time. Maybe that’s more like Adam and Eve than I ever thought. They were naked and not ashamed. They were happy together until someone consciously did something they knew was wrong. Then they began lying, arguing and blaming. Nakedness ended there.
Guys, we know better. We know our wives deserve better than we are giving them. I have spelled out a lot of reasons for bad marriages and given a lot of solutions. It’s up to you to do something about it.
You can’t just treat her any kind of way and expect her to fall passionately into your arms. She will not voluntarily get naked for a guy who isn’t giving her his full attention. If you want that amazing marriage, you need to be completely involved in making it happen.
She is following your lead.
You go first.
M. Erik Matlock is a self-professed recovering knucklehead with more than 500 articles and four books in print. He shares his hard-earned wisdom at ErikMatlock.com, ProSoundWeb.com and through his books, which are available at Amazon.
If you are seriously struggling with a damaged marriage, maybe you should read “How do I win her heart back?”
And. If you aren’t married. There is different advice concerning girlfriends right here.
To go even deeper, try my book, Becoming a Better Man.
And visit my marriage counselors Joel and Kathy Davisson