One habit that was developed on the road gigs, was the routine bashing of musicians when we ended up in the same venue, with the same crew every year. Never In an angry or malicious way. We just went into a rapid fire volley of musician jokes, to see who ran out first. The crews usually won, apparently they practiced all year for that. The battle seemed to go longer every time we got there.
Wanted to run some of my favorite musician jokes. Keep in mind, before I get bombarded with emails, most of my best friends are sound guys and musicians. The rest are drummers.
What’s the difference in a drummer and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
How do you get a guitarist to stop playing? Put sheet music in front of him.
How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. They just hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.
What’s the difference in a banjo and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Which one is larger, a violin or a viola? They are actually the same size. They just look different because the violinists head is so much bigger.
The definition of perfect pitch? Throwing a tuba into a dumpster without hitting the sides.
A sax player dies and ends up in hell. After a few minutes, he begins recognizing other players and then someone announces that the hourly jam session was about to start. He looks at another player and say, “this is great! I thought hell was supposed to be torment.” The other guy shakes his head. “Karen Carpenter is on drums.”
If your bass player is drowning, what do you do? Throw him his amp.
How do you know if someone is truly a gentleman? He can play a harmonica, but doesn’t.
How many guitarists does it take to play “smoke on the water?” All of them.
What’s the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead clarinet player on the road? The snake was probably going somewhere.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
How do you get a guitarist to leave? Pay him for the pizza.
What do you do with a guy who can’t cut it in the orchestra? Put two sticks in his hands and move him to percussion. What if he can’t cut it there’s? Take away one stick and move him up front.
What’s the difference between a trumpet and a jet engine? Four decibels.
How can you tell when there’s a keyboard player at the door? The knocks get faster and they never know when to come in.
What’s the difference between a saxophone and a weed eater? You can tune up a weed eater.
Why can’t the bass player have coffee breaks? It takes too long to retrain him.
What the difference between a trombone and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What’s the difference between a dead cat on the road and a dead drummer on the road? There’s probably skid marks near the cat.
Oh, don’t worry. There actually is one sound guy joke out there…
What’s the difference between a sound guy and a toilet seat? The toilet seat only takes crap from one person at a time.
And… A special bonus for reading this far…
Erik’s list of amazing ways for techs and musicians to torment music directors during rehearsals.
1 – Look at your watch often, shake your head each time.
2 – Wait until he begins rehearsal to check your tuning. Check it again at every pause.
3 – Adjust your music stand until it falls apart and spills sheet music, while he is talking.
4 – Start packing up ten minutes early. Tap your foot while waiting.
5 – When he looks your way for a cue, turn your head and look away.
6 – Make an awful face for every soloist.
7 – Ten minutes into rehearsal, tell him you forgot your music.
8 – If he ever gets frustrated or emotional over something, take that opportunity to complain about the temperature of the room or the lighting. Any random subject will do.
9 – At the climax of a song, right as it is about to peak, stop playing and scribble notes on your music.
10 – Think of hygiene as a right of personal expression. Bathe and apply deodorant whenever you feel like it. Apply cologne or perfume with a lawn sprayer. Make sure everyone knows you are there.
11 – If he ever asks for feedback, make sure he gets some.
12 – Develop your personal habits. Clip your fingernails while he is talking. Ask “why?” at every opportunity. Offer suggestions for better arrangements on each song. Snicker randomly. Eat crunchy snacks.
That’s a good start. Looking forward to more in the comments.
For legitimate suggestions on success in church production, get my book.
M. Erik Matlock is a self-professed recovering knucklehead with more than 500 articles and four books in print. He shares his hard-earned wisdom at ErikMatlock.com, ProSoundWeb.com and through his books, which are available at Amazon.